My Kansas City summary

Kansas City, you were good to me. I even arrived early to the airport, which NEVER happens (per my text convo with Haley below).

As I listened to Hamilton and waited for Haley and her car, I felt a sense of ease. Last time I was at this airport over  a year ago, I had just witnessed my best friend's wedding, and ended my own relationship (something I needed to get out of, trust me-there are no regrets on that one). This time was going to be better!


Haley pulled up in "Little Jay", her red Kia fit, and this little darling was with her. World, meet Spud, or Spud the Stud, Spudnick, or Spudicis (as I like to call him). He was formally a vicious attack dog, but has since been tamed. His face, however, the whole way back to the house, said "Dis is my mommy. You cannot have her. Mine, kay?"

Haley drove me by the hospital at which she works, and it is a lovely facility! We were so relieved that the shift she was supposed to cover got covered, and she didn't even need to come in at 5 as originally thought.  With our newfound evening time, we quickly made the best of our time. AKA, took ridiculous pictures around, got coffee, and did minimal work for our real-life jobs.

    

Per our parent's request, we took nice ones too. Did you know that Kansas City holds the prestigious name "The City of Fountains" ? Who knew! I certainly didn't. Throughout the weekend, I got to see many a fountain, but sadly still looking for the fountain of youth >.<  She and I sat at a little coffee shop and had a pick-me-up while I worked on transcriptions and she studied a bit. Although she has graduated from nursing school, she still is dedicated to staying sharp and up-to-date in her profession. She's a pretty fantastic human being. Also, my coffee got a gnat in it because we sat outside. WHYYYYYYYY?????

Haley gave me a brief tour of Mission, KS, the little bubble area right outside of KC. I told her that I wasn't sure if I could keep a straight face living there. Literally every time I would go home, I would scream, "I'm going on a mission!" One day, I might grow up a bit. She showed me the cute shops in the area and local eateries and I paid attention to things like the yoga studios around the area and the flatter running paths. Haley and I went into Target to get me some shampoo and such, because I was not feeling the security carry-on struggle when I'm going to a city with travel size available for purchase there and in 5 days I'll more than likely use it. So we stroll in, and are promptly distracted by nothing, to the point where we had to stop and look at each other and ask what we were supposed to be doing. We knew we had a mission, we just weren't sure what it was...... She and I are a terribly unproductive duo. It felt just like middle school again.


Her husband, Matt, got home a few minutes before we did from his med school studying. That evening we hung out in the house and ordered Haley and Matt's kryptonite, commonly known as PIZZA. To Haley's credit, she was trying to keep us healthy and made turkey chili with squash, but when you've had a long day, sometimes you just need pizza. So 3 medium pizzas and my first introduction to Portlandia, I was off to a great KC start.


That evening was Haley's small-group meeting with her friends from church. She invited me along and I knew her and another girl, Meghan, from her wedding. Meghan is her KC best friend, and she is awesome. It was led by a young lady who is going through a similar struggle that I was trapped in last year. She shared with us how it was so hard to help her kids when she was feeling so beat down and drained by the mindless things happening in politics, and was struggling to take care of her own health because she was putting her students and other things before her health. I felt so deeply for her, because I understand how frustrating that thought process is. It's miserable, trying to pour out help and hope and love when your own cup is quickly growing empty. I also heard from other people in the group who struggled with insecurities, family tension, pain that was unceasing, and it was so nice to hear from others who struggle in similar ways to me. It almost felt like I was in group therapy focused around just praying for one another. It was peaceful even though we were all pouring our hearts out, even those who had just met me. This group of women were incredible sincere, and Bible study groups are something I have shut down to in the past few years. So many want to just blindly follow the faith, but these ladies were listening to my story, my anger with God, my questions about the ways of Christianity, and my frustration in the image of religion. They came back at me with a few answers, complete understanding, and no judgement for what I was feeling or thinking about God. Maybe God wanted me to experience a session like that to remind me that faith can be a powerful thing, and a peaceful bonding experience. After Sunday, I was not feeling that way about it, but Wednesday I was reminded of how it could be. Sunday sort of reminded me what normally happens, but I come back to that.



Thursday morning, Haley's mom, Brenda, wanted to take us out to breakfast. Upon a friend's suggestion, Haley and I selected a restaurant called Succotash. The food and coffee were spectacular. The decor, however, was a bit disturbing. Haley kindly posed with the incredibly large and disturbing photo. Brenda and I also bonded over impressions of the painting. Clearly it speaks differently to us.

I ordered some type of omelette. I can't remember what it had, but it was delicious. It came with homemade fried potato pieces and a giant biscuit. The omelette was easily the length of my face and probably weighted a pound and a half. 

That afternoon we went back to the house for a little bit with the intent of going to a coffee shop to sit and work so I could finish some transcription work. A few minutes Haley gets a call from poor Matt, who's car has started smoking and effectively broken down. We got him and grabbed some food for him at the house before he had to be in his next class. I stayed home while Haley took him back to campus and worked on my transcriptions since they were due the next day. The man just wants a working car. Their old one died, they bought a used one for a great price, and it has betrayed them. So between the three of us, we had one car. Haley came back and chilled with me until she had to go get Matt. When he got back we ate some leftover pizza and headed out to a bonfire at her friend's house in Lawrence, where Haley is from and went to school. 

She's pretty dang talented with a guitar. 

It was a perfect fall night for a fire. It was just cold enough to make the fire comforting, but not so cold that everyone was miserable. There was plenty of cider and s'mores and hot cocoa. People chatted and laughed and even though Haley and I didn't bring pumpkins, two lovely friends gave us theirs to carve. It was one of those perfect fall nights that you would imagine in a magazine or book. Much happy. Very joyus. Haley carved a tribute to Spud (aka a dauschaund pumpkin) and I carved one to my spirit animal, Stitch. 

On Friday, we woke up and I had to finish my transcriptions while Haley took Matt to school. Matt's parents came to town before we left the house so he could go do some car shopping with them. Haley decided to take me to a place called The Roasterie in KC. It is one of the top coffee hubs in the midwest. We showed up and luckily enough they were running a tour that morning. We quickly hopped on, and discovered just how great we look with shower caps on. Throughout the tour, they explained their air-roasting process, what coffee beans look like, how and where they find them, and the finer arts of serving different brews. I was in heaven - or maybe just highly caffeinated from the samples. Who knows.... 

Afterwards we took to the streets to head one of the biggest local breweries. If we hadn't been so full from coffee samples, we would have partaken in some beer tasting. We missed the tours here, but that was okay. It was a unique brewery for sure, and if you're even in KC you should do it. Book a tour and go for it!

By then, we had heard from Matt and he asked Haley to come check out some cars that he had found. Remember how I said Haley and I aren't the greatest at getting things accomplished together? We struggled a bit to find him, but we eventually got there! We test drove a car or two with him and while he went to try to get paperwork things together, Haley and I went and walked around a mall and sat at Starbucks, because as our classic joke goes, when in doubt you should go to Starbucks! (We were also a little hangry at that point.)


Sadly nothing came of the car decision that day, so Saturday the true chaos with the car came our way. In the meantime, Friday night we stayed in the house like a bunch of boring old people, mainly because I found out I could live-stream "Hamilton: An American Musical" documentary from PBS. Some people may call my Hamilton excitement "obsessive, but I call it "enthusiastic". While I watched (because let's be real, who really cares beyond me) Haley got ready for her early shift on Saturday (7am-7pm). Since I would need the car that day, I got to get up and take her to work and bring the car back. I even filled it with gas! I would like to add that no injuries came to any person or vehicle while I drove Haley's car around KC on Saturday #winning.


I planned on going to the farmer's market early, but I was so tired when I got back to the house that I laid down. I couldn't get back to sleep, I just kind of laid and tossed back and forth. I heard Matt get up so I talked to him about what time he wanted to go to school to study and all. After taking him, I headed to the Farmer's Market.

This market reminded me a lot of Nashville's market. It is mostly year-round and has a massive amount of vendors and shops within it. I ventured there alone and just roamed, let the noises swaddle me and the scents massage me in a wave of calm existing. It was hard for me to avoid my old habit of sticking my headphones in when I'm roaming by myself. It normally helps me feel less panicky and alone, and less vulnerable. Who could have anything bad happen when they're listening to there upbeat mix, right? Ultimately, I am so glad I resisted it. Instead of tuning out the world because I'm afraid it will overwhelm me, I heard a magic show, I witnessed a one-man band playing classic songs, and a fiddling band give a great rendition of "Oh Suzannah". I got to hear children's laughter and wind chimes, and got to feel like I was really there, really part of the experience, instead of in my  own world watching things happen around me. I've been hiding in my own head in public for so long that I forgot it can be pleasant.



Inspired by my newfound presence, I decided to head to a museum in town. I had no idea KC would have such a spectacular museum as the Neslon-Atkins Museum of Art. There were so many exhibits that I went through at a pretty quick pace for a duration of 3 hours, and I still couldn't see it all. It has everything from artifacts to original van Gough paintings, full suits of armor and grave coverings from religious temples. Now, I will admit, I listened to Lindsey Stirling's new album, because in a museum I don't want to be distracted by screaming kids or people discussing the art- I want to discover it for myself. The difference in the two escape moments is that at the market, I wanted to do it so I could escape this feeling of anxiety that I might have about being alone. In the museum, I wanted to emphasize that this was my time and my bubble and I wanted to appreciate art in my way. I still consider that progress because it's being happy with being alone. The lawns around the museum were magnificent. It was a perfect Kansas afternoon.

A Vincent van Gough titled "Olive Orchard"

That evening Matt and I picked Haley from work and we all went to a restaurant called Fogo de Chao, a Brazillian Steakhouse. Haley and Matt had been there once before, and I figured, we're gonna take a mini vacation and stuff our faces with meat that comes from a sword. It was the best worst decision of the trip.


Sunday morning Haley invited me to church. Remember that peaceful I had about God and religion and the possibility of my own growth that I said I felt Wednesday? Here was the antidote to it.

The preacher/pastor stood up in front of us and dove into his message. At first it sounded just as comforting. He mentioned that he can't stress enough that God's love is a gift. It is freely given, and no amount of good deeds will be able to get us a better spot in heaven. We should not be doing Christian acts because we want to earn God's love, but because we love God, and the same way we would want to do things to show our love to a significant other, we should do our deeds and acts of service because we love God. That makes sense. That is a great message. But then he kept going...

"If you're suffering or hurt, the answer is God's love!"

"If your depressed or stressed, God's love is the answer!"

"Why would you choose suffering?? We've got people out there committing suicide, feeling worthless, empty, in pain, because they won't accept God's love that's freely given! It doesn't make sense!"


"How could you not love yourself, when God loves you so much?"

At this point, I almost stood up and screamed back, "I don't know! How about you tell me why God made me this way? Because I've done everything people have told me to do my whole life to accept God and I still hate myself. So tell me what I'm doing wrong, because I still have God's love and pain and depression and worry and suffering and worthlessness."

But I figured that might not come across too terribly well in a church setting, so I bit my tongue and cried to Haley later in the car. I asked her my questions. I asked her what it was that I'm apparently doing wrong because according to the preacher/pastor the reason that I am struggling with this is because I don't have God's love, even though it's given, and I've prayed the prayers to bring Him into my heart, and prayed, and sought Him in times of pain and joy. Thank God that Haley is so patient and kind and understanding. She let me vent, she gave me the responses that she could, and was honest about other things even when she didn't know the answer, and shared her feelings and journey with me.

That sermon really threw a religious wrench in my healing, but apparently trusting in God or a higher being is part of codependency. This is just another step, I guess.





That afternoon Brenda and Gerhart wanted to take us out for lunch at a local bbq joint, because no one can come to KC and not try the bbq. We sat outside and were attacked by bees frequently, but it was a gorgeous day and we could talk and laugh all together. I ordered some type of triple plate, with ribs, burned bits, and brisket. I wish I could say something was left at the end, but it was pretty well picked over by the time I was done with it. I do not regret it. My waistline does, but I do not.

We got to play a few rounds of cornhole. Little did we know that Gerhart was some type of god at this game. Haley and I got pretty stomped against him, despite his best pointers. Clearly, I am a champion, however, as shown by my facial expressions.

As our second to last big event in KC, Haley's mom got tickets to this human body exhibit all about how the body works and how if you don't take care of all parts, it will fail. They had inspirational quotes, former bodies filleted to show the different ways the muscles and tendons work and in several fantastic positions, including two playing hockey and two dancing with one another. Once I got past the fact that everything I saw used to be part of an actual human's body, it was pretty fascinating. They had lungs and brain sections and arms and legs and showed how different diseases or conditions affect them. It was like health class 2.0. My lovely nurse bestie had the best of all times. I was thrilled to see original Monet and Edgar Degas paintings, because they apparently both had cataracts and the display showed what their art looks like to us (the original paintings) and what it probably looked like to them while they were painting (a hot mess due to cataracts).

So close to a Monet!!! <3 

An original Monet. 

An original Edgar Degas 

We roamed around the science side of Union Station and found a painted piano, where both of us got a bit of a musical itch out. We also had to play in the toystore with all the super cool things that science museums sell. Mom, I'm just letting you know it's a good thing I had no room to pack anything else for the return trip, because we were having some fun in there!

Since the anatomy exhibit wouldn't let me take real pics with my real camera, I begged Haley to take me to the park before we got Matt and let me do a mini photoshoot of her. Okay, that's a lie. I begged her to go to the park and play her guitar for me because it would just be cool to be outside and jam. I then started taking a billion pictures of her. She's gorgeous and talented, ladies and gentlemen!

Me attempting

That evening we got ice-cream dinner and headed over to Meghan's apt (where there was more pizza) and watched the season premier of The Walking Dead. No spoilers here, but I will say, WHYYYY???? WHY DID YOU DO THAT, NEGAN? HOW COULD YOU TOY WITH US AND THEN DO WHAT YOU DID????????

It was one of the most gruesome episodes I've ever seen. I had nightmares that night. 

The next morning I departed with Haley as she got up to work. She dropped me off at the airport super early, to the point where I couldn't even check a bag because I was more than 4 hours early. So I waddled tiredly upstairs to the Starbucks and sat down to some coffee and water and proceeded to numbly watch Netflix while I watched people crowd security. Traveling on Monday mornings is not enjoyable, unless you were one of the 5 families I saw traveling to Disney World. Then it's great. 

As I was upstairs a lady and her service dog came to sit near me. She asked if I was okay with dogs. I said, "Absolutely! I actually really want to pet her but I know better."

"You can pet her when I get her settled if you want. And she's actually not a service dog, she's an emotional supports dog. "

I stopped oogling the dog and looked at her. I blinked a few times, and then asked, "She's a what?"

"Emotional supports dog."

I sat thinking about my next words very carefully knowing that this was a sensitive topic. After a minute, I said, "I'm not trying to ask this because I want to get into your personal business, but I'm asking because of what I've been through recently: what can an emotional supports dog help with?"

I told her about my situation and she proceeded to tell me hers. She told me that it eases her symptoms because the dog is trained to be calm and do things to help her calm down. They can help with anxiety, depression, some phobias., PTSD, and a whole range of emotional disorders. I had no idea that was a possibility. I am highly considering it for when I finally move to restart my life, just to help with the transition period. 

Other than our flight being oversold, the trip back to Nashville was smooth. I experienced my first solo uber with a driver named Chris, who proceeded to tell me that one of his first uber jobs was a bunch of 40-something year old women who flashed him for a tip. He also inquired about my relationship status, asked if I moved to Nashville for a boy, and called me cute as he was helping me get my luggage from his car to mine. It was an uncomfortable situation. I stayed the night in Nashville with Kristen and Kyle, and hit the road for Huntsville the next day.