I hate.....

Pre-warning, strong language used and a sensitive topic.

I sometimes hate this journey that I'm on, that I don't have anywhere to run so I don't have to deal with my deeper issues.  I especially hate that this is how my day starts to control the pain, the panic, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the depression, the way my brain works, and feeling like I'm powerless to stop it.

I hate the stigma that stands against mental illness. I hate the way people feel burdened when I express the way I feel and why I feel that way, or why I don't know what's causing it this time.  I hate that I feel I need to hide how badly it can feel sometimes, because it matters more that I make others comfortable than be able to just fall apart.


When I am doing what it takes to get to get there, please don't look at me as if I'm "less-than." Please trust me when I say that this is not a choice, it is not me choosing to wallow or suffer when "there are things that I could do to make me feel better."

• They say to run

• To get outside and get sun

• They say I'll find things that will make me smile

• That I'll feel better after a little while

• Throw yourself into work

• Go somewhere new

• Religion: just pray more

• Hang out with friends

• Eventually what's hurt will mend. 

That may be true for you, and that's fantastic. I'm glad you've found how to keep your demons at bay, that you do not feel like there is a hole inside of you, sucking any joy and regurgitating it back into your bloodstream as despair and self-doubt and rage. What you must remember, however, is that I am not you. I will never "learn" to be like you. These things will not work for me because I have tried everything you're telling me.

For me, enacting your techniques turns into obsessive running away, where if I'm reminded of what I'm running from, I will throw myself more into my fix: relationships, work, exercise, travel, spending money, going out and drinking, compulsive baking to give to friends so that they validate me.

I have to deal with this in a more extreme way because my body does not have the proper climbing tools to tackle my mountain. Everyone has their mountains to climb; some people are missing a rope; some people are missing a jacket; some people are missing a guide; some people are missing food; some people are missing so many things they don't even know how to begin to climb their mountain. I'm missing a tent, a pick, safety rope, and shoes. If I naturally had these, it might be a different excursion. I have got to find these tools and find them my way so that when the time comes, I can use them instead of tumbling back down to base camp.



For those who do not understand my analogy above, my chemicals are not balanced. I am "off", and maybe I am a freak, but there is nothing you can call me or say that my brain hasn't a million times already.

Bitch.
Emotional piece of shit.
Worthless.
Stupid. 

Why can't you figure this out, you idiot.
Get over it.
Stop feeling this way.
Dumbass, you lose everything.
No one wants you around when you're miserable.
Freak.
Neurotic.
Emotional wreck. 

You shouldn't feel like this; something's wrong with you.
You're not really depressed you're just seeking attention.
Why are you so needy?
You're disgustingly fat.
Everyone can handle life, why can't you?

You haven't heard from them, so they're probably dead; shouldn't you have prevented it?
Why can't you get your shit together?
Damn, you suck at everything.
Why can't you control yourself?
Stop worrying about the little stuff

But remember if something goes wrong it's your fault because you're a failure.
You deserve this, you know.

How you feel is punishment for anything you've ever done wrong.
God, what is wrong with you?

Your crap is less important-why don't you help someone for a change?
Look, others have it worse, okay? Be grateful that your feelings are your only problem.

Stop crying, it's not that bad.
You did this to yourself.
Why can't you just be happy?
If you were normal you wouldn't need meds.
You ruin everything.
You're so freaking clumsy.
You are the worst, no wonder no one wants you.
Who would want to deal with someone as broken as you?

This is my inner voice. This is the one I hear the most, when I'm alone, when something is upsetting me, when I'm thinking of how to react. My inner voice does not tell me it's okay. She doesn't comfort me, or tell me the good things about me. She kicks me when I'm down with her steel-toed boots and throws dirt in my eyes so I can't see the light. She needs to be fixed, because she's the one who absorbed other's words about me when I tried to act like they didn't affect me.



Meet that the part of a book that has spoken more deeply to me than anything I've ever read before:

I hate that others feel like they can pass judgement on me; they think I am weak, a freak, that my future is bleak, that I will be meek and submissive ... excuse me if I become dismissive, I get enough of that from myself.


They don't understand how trauma can be real. They don't comprehend that people process things differently, that what stresses you out doesn't phase me; that what sends me into panic may be an easy task for you. "Normal" is a perspective word. I am not saying I'm normal, I know that my codependency is not normal, but it is common. I understand that depression is not healthy; it is a sickness. I understand that anxiety can be managed without medication, but sometimes, you need medicine. I understand that it may not make sense to you, but do not pass judgement on me for something you don't understand.