They say you can't find happiness where you lost it

There have been several things that have taken me back to Nashville since the breakup. Hair appointments, visits to other friends, dog-sitting, airport needs, returning the last of his things, and sometimes just a break from Enterprise. I have been scared every time, knowing that there was a chance I could run into him, fearing how badly it would hurt to see him, wondering if we would even interact if we saw each other or would we pretend we were nothing..... 

As I left Kentucky and headed to Nashville, I began to be filled with this dread. I started to tear up a bit, wondering if I would ever be able to go back without thinking of all of our memories there. It sort of sucks hard, because Nashville is a pretty great place to live. There are things to do outdoors, great food, festivals regularly, and music. I have been working really hard to disassociate Nashville from our memories and making new memories there, but he is always right at the outskirt of the new experience. He was someone I loved, and a big part of my life. I'm not sure that will ever change, and it's definitely not something I regret. I am just curious as to how long it takes for the edge to disappear when I look back at us. 

I came into Nashville a night early and grabbed a hotel by the airport. A few months ago, the simple act of having a room to myself for the night would have sent me into a spiral, feeling trapped with my own negative thoughts and pain. That night, I enjoyed nothing more than spreading out on the kingsize bed all to myself and doing whatever it was I needed to do for me on my own schedule. I got dinner when I needed to, I organized my things (so I could easily fly later that week) without having to worry about getting in anyone else's way. It was kind of fantastic. There is something to be said for alone time. As a codependent, this is one of the hardest things to accept and be okay with. It was so liberating to have alone time and not worry about a meltdown. 

The next morning I got up and went to one of my favorite local coffee shops from my old Nashville life. The internet still sucks at Ugly Mugs, but the coffee, atmosphere, and food are great. No matter where I am, coffee can bring me joy. 

Next to the coffee shop, they just opened a bakery called "Five Daughters Bakery" with gourmet donuts. The dieter in me said, "NO" but the road-tripper in me said "BUY THEM". I'll let you guess who won....      

I even went and got my hair done on my Nashville stop, because why not when you're doing your own thing. I love my hairdresser there and she has been a friend, therapist, and stylist for the past year for me. I entrusted her with more than just my hair - I have shared my struggles and strife with her over the last year, and she's always had great words of wisdom or advice on the subject, while also giving me a confidence boost in the form of glorious hair.  We are two peas in a pod in a lot of ways, and she has helped me be more comfortable in the growing pains of my experiences this year. Jessica is just a fantastic human being, and I'm incredibly lucky to have her as a friend. 

Nashville also has my kiddos. Throughout everything that has happened in my teaching career, the kids have always been the best part of it. Huntsville has my first group of babies that I taught, and I can't wait to go back and watch them graduate this May. That's how loyal and dedicated I am to my students. I promised them I would be in the stands all day, watching every one of them graduate from Huntsville City Schools. This trip to Nashville, Kristen managed to help me surprise my kiddos from last year by showing up at school between classes. As the bell chimed, the hallways filled with familiar faces, a hundred hugs and a thousand tears. Seeing my former 8th grade students brought me so much joy, knowing that they are okay and are still their goofy selves, including my most difficult kiddos who about tackled me when they saw me again. Their names came flooding back to me as each face came up to me. I saw excitement in their eyes, and it made me feel fulfilled in a way that I haven't in a long time. 

Part of codependency is having a hyper-sense of responsibility for the well-being of others. One of the reasons teaching was such a painful, damaging experience for me was the fact that I believe and live in a false reality where everything that happens to my kids is a direct result of my inabilities to teach. Whether they were struggling with friends, family, school, or themselves, I felt the weight of their pain in my own soul. I felt that I was the one responsible for fixing it once I learned of it, and that if it wasn't fixed, it was my fault. I'm their teacher, I'm supposed to make their lives better. Therefore, their problem is now mine. If I don't fix it, I am not worth anything to them and I shouldn't be their teacher. It is not logical-as their teacher, my responsibility first and foremost is to their academic success and well-being. I have always told anyone who asked me about teaching that my greatest attribute and biggest flaw in teaching is how much I care about my kids. I am not alone in that-several educators face the same plight, crying after a long day because the kids just don't understand how badly we want things to be good for them and wish we could make it better. Most, however, can shake it off after crying and move on with their day/night/reset the next day. I could not get over it, that desperate need to make it better, to be the hero, because then, it inherently meant that my life was worthwhile because I made theirs better. 

(From http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency)  on the responsibility a codependent feels when someone is in an unfortunate position (kids with low grades or problems at home, etc.) 

"Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better......They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need......The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

I felt incredibly trapped in my pattern of teaching, knowing that it was hurting me but also thriving on the need of being needed. I cried a lot. I felt terrible, I felt like I couldn't walk away, that I had to keep going, that it was the profession's fault that I was hurting so badly day in and day out. When every kid has a need or a hurt and I want it to be okay for them and don't have a boundary set for what truly is and is not in my control, I become self-destructive in an effort to save them. My brain tells me it's because their life is worth more than mine and it's worth my suffering if it's helping them. The pain became unbearable by the end of my third year, fighting this invisible and unknown root cause for what was driving my care for my kids. 

Now, this does not mean I was wrong to care for them. It means that mine was unhealthy for me because I could not separate from it in a healthy manner. My healing from codependency will include successfully separating other's suffering from my own and remembering that I can help, but ultimately I do not carry the responsibility for their outcome. But much like arthritis or diabetes, codependency is an invisible illness. I can take pills that manage my symptoms, but I also have to live a lifestyle that will keep it at bay. If I were diabetic, I would have to watch my sugar and insulin levels; I couldn't binge or eat whatever I wanted without health consequences. If I had arthritis, I would need to do specific exercises and not push myself beyond my limits in order to prevent a flare-up. My codependency is the same. As badly as I want to be with my kids, I know that I will always be the type to take on their stressors and problems. In a situation like teaching where there can be 110 individual problems a day, it becomes harder to keep the boundary up because you become overwhelmed by all the stress that they are feeling. It will not be an environment where I can keep myself healthy, even with learning to separate myself from the emotional stressors. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's something that I accept. It also means I have to find a job/career where I can have that healthy balance. It will be hard to do, and something I am scared to take on, but I also know I cannot allow myself to become as bad as I was as a teacher. I was not my best for the kids, my coworkers, or myself. It may be something that doesn't earn me much money, which terrifies me, but that's when I remember this:

Despite everything that I felt, that I struggled with, that I felt would bring no positivity, I saw their smiles when I showed up at their school. I saw that regardless of how much I felt like I failed them last year, that they were okay, that they were still their silly selves, that their lives went on after our year together. I did not save them, but I did not ruin them either. And that was more powerful than anything. It turns out, you can find happiness where you thought you lost it.

Next stop: Kansas

Brave Enough

Who knew that Kentucky could bring so much inspiration? I arrived in KY on Friday afternoon, parking downtown and right between The Village Idiot and The Shakespeare Cafe. Perfect spot. While Taylor was at work, I worked on getting a feel for downtown Lexington. In the words of Taylor, it's "Up and Coming." AKA a lot of cool places to eat and a few stores here and there, but still lots of available space to grow. I was followed by a homeless man while I was exploring, so I dove into quite a few of the stores off to the side, including a jewelry store with hand-crafted silver pieces. As I was roaming the store, I struck up a conversation with the young lady working the counter. It turns out she and I were in similar boats. She did an international teaching program and was living and teaching in Turkey, until this summer when the political unrest forced her to return to the states. So until she can get back there, she is living with her parents, found a job to work just to earn some income, and is feeling rather stuck. Now, she knows what it is she is moving towards after this hiccup whereas I am still figuring that out, but it was nice to hear that even without a significant other's influence, people can sometimes find themselves in a position like mine. It helped me feel less idiotic for my predicament.

I also decided that I would treat myself to my own piece of jewelry, something that I bought for myself. I found a piece that is adjustable, beautiful, simple, and unique; rather representative, if I do say so myself.

When Taylor texted me to ask how it was going, I responded with, "I have bought myself jewelry and I must be stopped. Send me somewhere else."

He responded with the perfect coffee shop hangout just outside of downtown. When I open my own, I would happily decorate it in the way that theirs is. It is nothing but positive quotes, bright colors, and mismatched furniture. It is an amazing place for a racing, creative mind to thrive.

Afterwards, Taylor came and met me and we headed to the hospital to see his grandfather. It was a surprisingly beautiful experience. I am typically very weary of hospitals; it brings me a lot of sadness and fear to be surrounded by those who are possibly sick beyond help.

I have also been so wrapped up in my own growth lately that I forgot how powerful the structure of family is, how magnificent it feels to be sitting in a room sharing memories and laughter even in the rough times, and how blessed I have been to have that family structure in my life. It was also inspiring to see the love that Taylor's grandparents shared. They give off such an essence of care and pure love that you can't help but feel it being in their presence. It helped remind me of what I will be seeking in my future.

We quickly went by Taylor's parent's house where I fell in love with his dog, Duncan. We are now best friends and never to be parted. Afterwards we went to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant for some of the best Italian that I have ever eaten. Now, with Taylor's grandfather's situation, we decided it would be best to stay in a hotel so that we didn't have to be a burden at the house. The place was an extended stay hotel and was not terrible at all, despite our bug-friend that kept us company all weekend. He was a rather stoic little thing, honestly. Taylor and I were both exhausted from the week, so we called it early so we could prep for adventures the next day.

Saturday turned out to be gorgeous and we unearthed Taylor's convertible for what he called it's "final ride of the season." I had my camera adventure pack geared up and ready for whatever came our way that day. The morning started us out in horse country, where top thoroughbreds are raised in Kentucky for the derbies and other seasonal horse races. There are miles and miles of nothing but farmland, rolling pastures, and gorgeous mares and steeds. As it happened, the Bourbon Chase was also happening at the same time we were driving through these countryside farms, so we had to avoid hitting runners on the narrow winding roads. The Bourbon Chase is a 200 mile relay race along the Kentucky Bourbon Trail, and a huge event for the city. (http://www.bourbonchase.com/race) I will say this, Lexington definitely has a culture all it's own between bourbon and thoroughbreds. We even passed a castle! Apparently, this rich guy's wife asked for a castle, and he abided. He imported all this material from Europe and began building it. When it was almost complete, the wife divorced him. Bummer, right? So now it's a B&B. If you ever want to visit Lexington, I suggest trying to stay in the castle. (http://www.thecastlepost.com/default.asp)

Once we finished winding through the rolling hills, Taylor drove me up to a lookout site called Highbridge Park (http://www.worldtimzone.com/railtrail/highbridge/). Breathtaking is not strong enough to describe how it felt to be overlooking this amazing engineering structure, and the river curving gently around the mountains. My photos could not do it justice, but I certainly tried. There is something that comes alive in me when I experience the raw beauty of nature. It is a feeling that I cannot describe, but it brings me such a calm peace that enables me to feel an optimism for the world and how it could be.

We headed back to the house and went on a 4 mile walk before we went to the Lindsey Stirling concert that evening in Louisville. Now, I was expecting something amazing, but even then, my expectations greatly underestimated the concert that was Lindsey Stirling. For those who don't know who she is, please reference the following video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3KUyPKbR7Q) and a million others of her. She is a splendid violinist and such a strong performer. Her tour and new album are titled "Brave Enough". Throughout the concert, she had moments where she shared some of her personal life, including losing one of her best friends last year to an illness. She told the whole crowd how hard it was to be strong, to believe the best in the world when it seems so dark, to have faith in God when you think you have every reason not to. It made me admire her even more than I did for her talent. Her spirit is so generous and true. That concert filled my spirit <3

On Sunday, I somehow managed to talk Taylor into going on a trail ride with me. We headed out to the barn and met some of the horses. I have not ridden since I was in 5th grade, when I was in tears because I was afraid that I would be thrown off. I took lessons in 1st and 2nd grade and I quit the day I was thrown from my horse because she got spooked by an animal in the woods. In the first few minutes of riding that Sunday, a buck came out of nowhere and spooked the horses. Guess what? They reared and ran the other direction. Poor Taylor's heart about jumped out of his chest. I was shocked that I remembered what I should do when a horse does that. Squeeze your legs, lean forward, pull the reigns and hold on tight. It sort of represented life, honestly, including the part where Taylor turned and yelled that I owed him a bourbon for doing this with me. It's terrifying knowing that my life was, in that moment, in the hooves of that horse, but I also had some control over where he took it. I had to rely completely on instinct in that moment, and it paid off.

The rest of the trail ride was full of simple beauties and a calm pace. The horses behaved amazingly, and despite the rocky start everyone had a great time. I also conquered my old fear of being bucked, and remembered how wonderful horses are as creatures. I simply had to be brave enough to try it again.

You Don't Have to be Strong: Lessons from Jiu Jitsu

This past week has been tough on a lot of people in my life. Matt's brother was in a car accident (he walked away luckily) and his dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Taylor's grandfather ended up in the hospital. I was on video chat with my friend when he found out that his uncle passed away. All in all, not the best for several of them. I almost wondered if I was a bad luck charm. It broke my heart to see pain happening around me. These moments were a real test for me because part of codependency and empathy is having the need to fix things for others, not just help the situation.

• The codependent side gets panicky and feels like whatever they're going through will result in an emotional punishment on me if I don't fix it, even though it has nothing to do with me and there is little I can really do other than be there for them. 
• The empathetic side of me relates to what they're feeling and re-creates the scenario in my own life and causes me to feel their emotions. 

That's great to help them out in what the might need, but it's emotionally exhausting to be a sponge for everyone's trauma. That's when the codependent side kicks in again and puts others before myself, making me ignore my internal emotional stress caused by taking in other's emotions and instead lies to my brain and says, "Hey, they need you to be strong right now and be there for them. Put yourself aside and keep feeling their pain so that you can better help them!"

Believe it or not, this is a problem.

I don't mind being empathetic. I actually really enjoy that about myself because I believe that it gives me the ability to help people out and go above and beyond when they're hurting. What I hate about it is the way it turns the situation into my trauma instead of theirs. It keeps me from being able to be removed enough to actually be of any help. I have to cognitively remind myself that this is not mine to carry, and go through separation exercises so that I do not take their experiences on as my own. It makes me feel selfish and sick, and then I spend time mentally beating myself up over that. In case you can't tell, mental disease is as twisted as the creases on the brain, and just as mysterious.

As I watched my friends experience their pains, I kept repeating to myself, "This is not yours. This is theirs. Be there. Stop panicking, take a breath. Calm your heart rate. This is not yours." For the most part, it worked.

Matt took me to his Jiu Jitsu classes that week. I know, I know, several of you are cringing already if you know me and know anything about Jiu Jitsu. Let me put your mind at ease quickly: I did not get injured, nor did I injure anyone else! I actually felt very coordinated and strong during the class. I certainly wasn't good by any means, but it felt powerful. From learning different defense throws to the respectful handshakes and the sound of a body against the mat, the entire experience seemed to awaken a confidence in me that I didn't know I had. I have felt sexy in zumba and dance classes; I have felt graceful in jazz and ballet; I have felt strong after a run or weight training; powerful, however, was a completely different experience for me. The past 3 years have been fraught with the feeling of powerlessness. In my relationships, my work situation, and in life circumstances, I have felt like the victim (mainly because I allowed myself that mentality). After Jiu Jitsu, I felt in control. i felt that I could take control of something, overcome it, protect myself in more ways than one. By brain experienced a calmness that consumed me, made me think that things were not as chaotic and out of control as I've presumed in the past.

It was not without its funny moments. The blue belt I was working with did her best to teach me moves that were second-nature to her and I nearly got ran over when we were warming up with "crawling shrimp." There is also something to be said to adjusting to a person's butt in your face before you even know their name. Towards the end of my first class we practiced foot holds. I am still recovering from the bone chip on my ankle. I just looked at the girl and said, "Please go easy on this foot, please....." That's when I learned about tapping out.

My second class I worked with a girl still in high school. Talk about feeling old. I was terrified to hurt her, but I also felt good about helping her train. If she could take me down, she could more than likely defend herself in the world.

Needless to say, I will be training as soon as I can find a place. When I paid for my classes, they gave me a membership card in case I come back to train with them/end up moving there. On it was their motto: You don't have to be strong. You have to be exact.

When I read this, something clicked into place for me. I don't always have to be mentally strong. I do, however, need to be exact in my thinking about myself. I can't give myself vague affirmations or empty mantras. I also need to be more exact in what I need to be happy and healthy. The strength will come to me. Start with exact.

So far, I have learned that I need to have a significant amount of art in my life. I love going to live performances and I thrive on dance. Reading and writing calm me and I find so much peace in nature. Photography is becoming a hobby again and I notice my happiness increasing the more I do it. Wherever I move, these are going to be things that I focus on building into my day-to-day routines. There needs to be plenty of opportunity to experience these. This is helping me narrow down cities for my future.

I also need a variety of artsy/hipster areas to hang out in and indulge my inner foodie. Durham offered quite a few spots to indulge myself in this need. I hung out in shops and bookstores that had so much character that I could have stayed forever listening to what the walls had to say. We went to Downtown Durham and played pool one night at a nice pool hall, ventured to a burger joint and a cupcake bar the next day, and topped the trip off with chicken and waffles and some cookout, because it was October 13th and that is national Treat Yo'Self Day (thank you Parks and Rec). My body pretty much only wants healthy food now, but hey, life happens.

I also baked a cheesecake for Matt since he was having such a crappy time. I may have burned the mess out of the top and we ate it while it was still warm (oops) but other than that it was great! .... I'm just saying, it would have been nice if Matt's roommate, Nathan, had warned me that the cheesecake that he baked 2 days ago came out burned. Their oven clearly runs high. But so goes life. Sometimes, the cake burns and you eat it anyways.

While in Durham, Matt, Nathan, and I shared several deep talks about relationships and being yourself.  Again, most people would not be as open as I am, nor would they be comfortable doing that, but I appreciated their company and conversation on some hard topics, including where I was mentally. As each day passes I panic a bit more about what job could possibly fit my personality and be able to support myself/a family. I feel like I should have all of this sorted by now and I'm terrified that I'll make a mistake. I know there is still "time", but having no income after being independent for 3 years is a hard shift.

Due to Taylor's grandfather being sick, I adjusted my trip a bit and stayed an extra night in Durham, which was not a problem at all. I headed to Kentucky Friday and loved every second of the 7 hour drive across West Virginia. The mountains are breath-taking. I am almost considering living there for the scenery alone. That was one drive I was not bored on. I will tell you about Kentucky next time.