What I can't put into words, but will try to anyways: The 2nd Leg of the Journey

Feelings are incredibly strange experiences. They are something we have practically no control over, yet influence nearly every aspect of our day-to-day lives. We ask ourselves check-ins all the time: What are we craving? What do we feel like wearing? How tired we are? Why did that thing that happened upset us? What it is about this person that we like? So many things in our existence are controlled by feelings, and we normally can't even explain why they happen.

I have been meditating for the past three days on an instance that brought out a shockingly deep emotional reaction and feeling within me that I still can't fully put into words. I was in yoga class with Caitlin (the first yoga class that I have actually enjoyed, in fact) and it was a small and intimate room. There were only three of us in the class, and then the instructor, Ashley. As we opened our practice with some guided thoughts, one of the things Ashley said was, "Thank yourself for making your health and well-being a priority today." That seems silly, but often we don't allow ourselves to take proper care of our health and well-being. There isn't enough time to eat right, to exercise every day, to have social encounters to keep us grounded, and to work in a field that enables us to have the lifestyle we desire. I know that that has been an incredible struggle for me, listening to my body and soul and sustaining my health the way that I should. For the past three years I have been sick repetitively, in and out of the ER for various severe viruses and asthma attacks, physical injuries from pushing myself beyond my breaking point, hoping someone would stop me, or put me back together if I did break.

As our yoga practice continued, Ashley said multiple times that we needed to listen to what our bodies needed. "Don't push too far, but make sure you're getting what you need out of this move." It was a repeated message of creating balance for ourselves. Every one of us had different places we were in, and needed to adjust things to fit our needs. Again, it's something that makes so much sense when it's said aloud, but something that I have struggled to apply in my own life. As far as health goes, I am beginning to understand how critical this really is. Part of this trip is learning how to adjust my life to what my needs really are and discovering what lifestyle brings me the most health and happiness so that I can put good back out into the world be okay with who I am.

It sounds so selfish, doesn't it? The idea of truly putting yourself first? All of my life I've been conditioned to put others' needs before my own. I thought it was the right thing, and it is not wrong to do under the right circumstances, but when it becomes your entire existence, you lose yourself. If you held a gun to my head this very moment, I couldn't tell you what my favorite color is, what my favorite music genre is, or what things are essential in my life to bring balance and happiness. I know how detrimental it is when you think you know someone and they turn out to be the opposite, but it's even more frightening to realize you don't know yourself. One thing I have realized I need is human touch, which was an incredibly powerful thing to learn about in a yoga class of all things.

At the very end of the class, the instructor guided us into Savasana to cool down and mentally reflect on the practice. As we laid there, she came to each one of us and massaged us to help us relax. I had no idea that this was a regular part of practice (seriously, google it and you can see people teaching how to give massages in yoga) and I was startled when her hands gently pressed my shoulders. It felt amazing. She then moved into my neck and then around my forehead, caressing me so carefully that I kid you not, I teared up. I couldn't figure out why her I reacted that way, and quite frankly I was embarrassed as I wiped my eyes and she moved on to perform the massage on the others in the class. I racked my brain trying to figure out what it was that made me so sad about it, and about a day or so afterwards it clicked: it reminded me of being loved. It was similar to the gentle way that my mom would check my forehead when I was sick. It reminded me of the way my ex used to rub my neck after a bad day at work. I miss that so much. I knew I loved hugs and hand-holding, but I didn't realize I was the type of person who associates touch with love so much. I mean, I had taken the love language quiz and physical touch was a high ranking for me, but this really confirmed it.

I guess my biggest takeaway from my Winston-Salem leg of the trip is really learning to listen to myself and my needs. Eat when I want and need to, pray when I want and need to, write and sleep when I want to and need to, exercise but don't push it too fast too hard. For a long time I've believed if I just keep going, keep pushing, and work hard enough everything will be okay. This time around, I cannot push it. I cannot rush into a career, rush to start again, rush back into my old fitness routines. I am starting from scratch on myself, and I cannot wait to see what blossoms.