There have been several things that have taken me back to Nashville since the breakup. Hair appointments, visits to other friends, dog-sitting, airport needs, returning the last of his things, and sometimes just a break from Enterprise. I have been scared every time, knowing that there was a chance I could run into him, fearing how badly it would hurt to see him, wondering if we would even interact if we saw each other or would we pretend we were nothing.....
As I left Kentucky and headed to Nashville, I began to be filled with this dread. I started to tear up a bit, wondering if I would ever be able to go back without thinking of all of our memories there. It sort of sucks hard, because Nashville is a pretty great place to live. There are things to do outdoors, great food, festivals regularly, and music. I have been working really hard to disassociate Nashville from our memories and making new memories there, but he is always right at the outskirt of the new experience. He was someone I loved, and a big part of my life. I'm not sure that will ever change, and it's definitely not something I regret. I am just curious as to how long it takes for the edge to disappear when I look back at us.
I came into Nashville a night early and grabbed a hotel by the airport. A few months ago, the simple act of having a room to myself for the night would have sent me into a spiral, feeling trapped with my own negative thoughts and pain. That night, I enjoyed nothing more than spreading out on the kingsize bed all to myself and doing whatever it was I needed to do for me on my own schedule. I got dinner when I needed to, I organized my things (so I could easily fly later that week) without having to worry about getting in anyone else's way. It was kind of fantastic. There is something to be said for alone time. As a codependent, this is one of the hardest things to accept and be okay with. It was so liberating to have alone time and not worry about a meltdown.
The next morning I got up and went to one of my favorite local coffee shops from my old Nashville life. The internet still sucks at Ugly Mugs, but the coffee, atmosphere, and food are great. No matter where I am, coffee can bring me joy.
Next to the coffee shop, they just opened a bakery called "Five Daughters Bakery" with gourmet donuts. The dieter in me said, "NO" but the road-tripper in me said "BUY THEM". I'll let you guess who won....
I even went and got my hair done on my Nashville stop, because why not when you're doing your own thing. I love my hairdresser there and she has been a friend, therapist, and stylist for the past year for me. I entrusted her with more than just my hair - I have shared my struggles and strife with her over the last year, and she's always had great words of wisdom or advice on the subject, while also giving me a confidence boost in the form of glorious hair. We are two peas in a pod in a lot of ways, and she has helped me be more comfortable in the growing pains of my experiences this year. Jessica is just a fantastic human being, and I'm incredibly lucky to have her as a friend.
Nashville also has my kiddos. Throughout everything that has happened in my teaching career, the kids have always been the best part of it. Huntsville has my first group of babies that I taught, and I can't wait to go back and watch them graduate this May. That's how loyal and dedicated I am to my students. I promised them I would be in the stands all day, watching every one of them graduate from Huntsville City Schools. This trip to Nashville, Kristen managed to help me surprise my kiddos from last year by showing up at school between classes. As the bell chimed, the hallways filled with familiar faces, a hundred hugs and a thousand tears. Seeing my former 8th grade students brought me so much joy, knowing that they are okay and are still their goofy selves, including my most difficult kiddos who about tackled me when they saw me again. Their names came flooding back to me as each face came up to me. I saw excitement in their eyes, and it made me feel fulfilled in a way that I haven't in a long time.
Part of codependency is having a hyper-sense of responsibility for the well-being of others. One of the reasons teaching was such a painful, damaging experience for me was the fact that I believe and live in a false reality where everything that happens to my kids is a direct result of my inabilities to teach. Whether they were struggling with friends, family, school, or themselves, I felt the weight of their pain in my own soul. I felt that I was the one responsible for fixing it once I learned of it, and that if it wasn't fixed, it was my fault. I'm their teacher, I'm supposed to make their lives better. Therefore, their problem is now mine. If I don't fix it, I am not worth anything to them and I shouldn't be their teacher. It is not logical-as their teacher, my responsibility first and foremost is to their academic success and well-being. I have always told anyone who asked me about teaching that my greatest attribute and biggest flaw in teaching is how much I care about my kids. I am not alone in that-several educators face the same plight, crying after a long day because the kids just don't understand how badly we want things to be good for them and wish we could make it better. Most, however, can shake it off after crying and move on with their day/night/reset the next day. I could not get over it, that desperate need to make it better, to be the hero, because then, it inherently meant that my life was worthwhile because I made theirs better.
(From http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency) on the responsibility a codependent feels when someone is in an unfortunate position (kids with low grades or problems at home, etc.)
"Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better......They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need......The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
I felt incredibly trapped in my pattern of teaching, knowing that it was hurting me but also thriving on the need of being needed. I cried a lot. I felt terrible, I felt like I couldn't walk away, that I had to keep going, that it was the profession's fault that I was hurting so badly day in and day out. When every kid has a need or a hurt and I want it to be okay for them and don't have a boundary set for what truly is and is not in my control, I become self-destructive in an effort to save them. My brain tells me it's because their life is worth more than mine and it's worth my suffering if it's helping them. The pain became unbearable by the end of my third year, fighting this invisible and unknown root cause for what was driving my care for my kids.
Now, this does not mean I was wrong to care for them. It means that mine was unhealthy for me because I could not separate from it in a healthy manner. My healing from codependency will include successfully separating other's suffering from my own and remembering that I can help, but ultimately I do not carry the responsibility for their outcome. But much like arthritis or diabetes, codependency is an invisible illness. I can take pills that manage my symptoms, but I also have to live a lifestyle that will keep it at bay. If I were diabetic, I would have to watch my sugar and insulin levels; I couldn't binge or eat whatever I wanted without health consequences. If I had arthritis, I would need to do specific exercises and not push myself beyond my limits in order to prevent a flare-up. My codependency is the same. As badly as I want to be with my kids, I know that I will always be the type to take on their stressors and problems. In a situation like teaching where there can be 110 individual problems a day, it becomes harder to keep the boundary up because you become overwhelmed by all the stress that they are feeling. It will not be an environment where I can keep myself healthy, even with learning to separate myself from the emotional stressors. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's something that I accept. It also means I have to find a job/career where I can have that healthy balance. It will be hard to do, and something I am scared to take on, but I also know I cannot allow myself to become as bad as I was as a teacher. I was not my best for the kids, my coworkers, or myself. It may be something that doesn't earn me much money, which terrifies me, but that's when I remember this:
Despite everything that I felt, that I struggled with, that I felt would bring no positivity, I saw their smiles when I showed up at their school. I saw that regardless of how much I felt like I failed them last year, that they were okay, that they were still their silly selves, that their lives went on after our year together. I did not save them, but I did not ruin them either. And that was more powerful than anything. It turns out, you can find happiness where you thought you lost it.
Next stop: Kansas
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